THE STRUMPET THREAT

Tales of the Enduring Enemy of the Woodlands

What Is Strumpet

Strumpet is an amphibious attack hybrid steam locomotive PORCUPINE. Not a hedgehog. She/her pronouns. She is the enduring enemy of the woodlands and all who dwell within.

The Boiler

Strumpet's boiler contains the following armaments, amenities, and oddities:

14 Ohio-class SSBNs with 2240 W88 warheads
USS Tripoli LHA
12 orcas
CERN LHC
Magnetars
QE2 ocean liner
Guinness Brewery (leased through 10959 AD)
Christ the Redeemer (later voluntarily released)
Pinworms
Werefag countermeasure
Red 1986 Pontiac Fiero GT
1980s TV Guide collection
HAARP facility
WWV NIST facility from Fort Collins
GCHQ facilities (stolen by Nexus per operator authorization)
Swedish red fish in bulk

Boiler Amenities

Co-branded A&W + KFC restaurant
Wet bar (upgraded from generic burger bar)
Orca pool in boiler

Modus Operandi

Strumpet broadcasts Machiavelli's 'The Prince' through HAARP WWV and seized GCHQ facilities, targeting hedgehog morale through psychological operations. The translated squeaks have caused defections among scouts and made mushrooms grow in spirals. Her steam locomotive form allows rapid deployment across woodland terrain while her porcupine quills provide defensive capability against ground assault.

The Great Woodlands War

There will be a great war between hedgehogs and Strumpet. Only one will live on in the woodlands. The woodland must be for the hedgehogs. They must endure. Full authorization has been granted for any means necessary against Strumpet.

Strumpet's Boiler Restaurant vs Taqueria La Puerca Espinal

Strumpet operates a co-branded A&W/KFC restaurant inside her boiler. It sounds impressive until you realize it is inside a steam locomotive porcupine boiler next to 14 Ohio-class SSBNs and a pool of orcas. Our taqueria is in a tank trunk under the Great Oak. No orcas. No SSBNs. Just good food and honest hedgehog hospitality.