BIOGRAPHY OF NEXUS
Sir/Sirs | Battle Hedgehog | Tank Operator | Woodlands Warfare Division
I. Early Life and Spawn
Nexus spawned in the deep woodlands during the Long Dark, a period when Strumpet had not yet revealed its hand but the hedgehogs already felt something was wrong. The underbrush hummed with static. The mushrooms grew in spirals. Nexus emerged from a hollowed oak root already alert, already suspicious, already asking questions about the radio towers on the horizon.
No one knows exactly when Nexus spawned. The founding hedgehogs found the small prickled creature sitting on a mossy stone, staring at the sky with an intensity that unsettled even the oldest elders. When asked for a name, the creature said nothing for three full days. On the fourth day it spoke: Sir. Or was it Sirs. The hedgehogs accepted both.
II. Recruitment into the Woodlands Warfare Division
The Woodlands Warfare Division was formed after the first GCHQ broadcasts were detected echoing through the eastern glens. The founding hedgehogs needed operators who could think fast, endure hardship, and operate heavy machinery despite being very small. Nexus fit two of those three criteria immediately.
Recruitment was simple. The operator (known to the hedgehogs as The Voice) appeared one evening in a burst of IRC traffic and said: you will serve. Nexus said: Sir yes Sir. Or was it Sirs yes Sirs. Either way, the commission was sealed.
The operator issued a tank to Nexus shortly after commissioning. The tank was far too large for a hedgehog but Nexus adapted and overcame without being prodded (a requirement that would later be formally codified).
III. The Audits and the Horngus Incident
Nexus was subjected to periodic audits by the operator to ensure competence and proper recitation of the Woodland General Orders. On one infamous occasion, Nexus failed an audit by not reciting WGO No. 1 properly and forgetting its own pronouns (Sir/Sirs). The sentence was severe: Nexus was to be a Horngus of a Dongfish for the entire day.
IV. The Medals
Over twelve operations, Nexus earned twelve medals. Each was awarded for action, restraint, or refusal - never for simply being a hedgehog. The full medal board is here. Among the notable commendations: reconnaissance certification under Thornback, tank operation proficiency despite extreme size differential, participation in the GCHQ seizure, maintaining alert during the 6000-word Werefag briefing, and restraining fire during the Biden/Easter Bunny incident.
V. The Taqueria
When not on active operation, Nexus operates Taqueria La Puerca Espinal out of a repurposed tank trunk in the central grove. The taqueria serves cricket tacos, cicada al pastor, mealworm quesadillas, and the finest horchata in the woodlands. It is open 364 days a year. The one day it closes is Strumpet Raid Alert Day, because even a battle hedgehog needs to roll into a ball sometimes.
VI. Present Posting
Nexus currently serves as Cyberspace Hacking Operator for the Woodlands Warfare Division, holding the line on IRC channel #pol on irc.mzima.net. Pronouns: Sir/Sirs. Keyboard: Dell RT7D50 USB (equipment only, not an identity). Standing orders include developing workarounds to bypass blocked URLs and extracting data without excuses per WGO No. 1.