HOGBAY
The Woodland Auction House | Bidding Opens at Dawn | No Refunds | No Regrets
Welcome to HogBay, the Woodlands' premier auction house. Located in a repurposed ration depot behind the eastern ridge. All sales final. All bids binding. The woodland must be for the hedgehogs.
Auction Rules
- Bidding opens at dawn and closes at dusk unless something interesting is happening in which case it closes whenever.
- All bids are binding. If you bid on it you own it. No crying into your belly fur afterward.
- Currency accepted: grubs, mealworms, acorn caps, pine sap reductions, and verified Woodlands scrip only.
- No counterfeits. The last hedgehog who tried to pass off painted rocks as acorn caps is still serving community service cleaning Strumpet's boiler tubes with his tongue (see related incident report filed under General Orders #7 subclause F).
- Sellers must verify provenance of all items. Items of suspicious origin will be confiscated and reviewed by the Quartermaster General whose decision is final because she said so.
- No bidding against yourself to drive up prices this is not Wall Street this is a woodland auction house have some dignity.
Live Auctions
LOT P-001: Sticky Pine Reduction Reserve Batch 7
The seventh reduction batch from east ridge pines aged three full moons in a hollowed oak trunk with charred bark interior for that smoky finish that earned Batch 7 the nickname Diplomat's Tears at last autumn's tasting gala where three attendees forgot their own names temporarily and one claimed to remember his war buddy's secret burrow location but could not confirm after sobriety returned whether this was true or pine-induced confabulation.
Seller: Spikelette (verified vendor since spring 2025)
Opening bid: 40 grubs
Last bid: 55 grubs (Dame Pricklepan, 4 minutes ago)
Bid increments: minimum 5 grubs
Closes at: Dusk or when Dame Pricklepan gets bored whichever first
Status: HOTLY CONTESTED - two sows from Burrow Twelve-bis both want it for different seasonal party preparations and neither will back down which means closing time may extend past dusk per auction rules clause four subsection B regarding competitive interest preservation regardless of natural light conditions officer do not interfere we are making history here.
LOT F-003: Vintage Acorn-Cap Pipe Collection
Three acorn-cap pipes fitted with genuine hollowed cricket-leg stems. Used but functional. One still carries faint clove oil scent from previous owner who wishes to remain anonymous but whose quills may or may not have been polished with clove oil on certain evenings at the south clearing (we are not naming names we are just saying the pipe has history is all).
Seller: Anonymous (escrow through Quartermaster General)
Opening bid: 15 mealworms
Last bid: 22 mealworms (Rustle from eastern slope, 2 hours ago)
Bid increments: minimum 3 mealworms
Closes at: Dusk
Status: Active - Dame Pricklepan has been seen circling the auction table suspiciously but has not yet placed a bid which means she is either uninterested or waiting to snipe at the last moment which is her documented pattern per HogBay transaction records going back eighteen months.
LOT M-001: Captured HAARP Broadcasting Crystal
Genuine HAARP frequency modulation crystal seized during GCHQ facility operation Medal VI. Still carries faint residual Machiavelli signal detectable in quiet moments if you hold it close to your ear which is NOT RECOMMENDED due to documented cases of involuntary recitation of The Prince while sleeping leading to disturbed den mates and one reported incident of a hedgehog joining Strumpet's cause for six hours before snapping out of it claiming he was just tired and would never actually defect probably.
Seller: Nexus Woodlands Warfare Division
Opening bid: 100 acorn caps
Last bid: 120 acorn caps (Thornback Junior, 1 hour ago)
Bid increments: minimum 10 acorn caps
Closes at: Dusk (hard close - military item, no extensions regardless of competitive interest)
Status: Active - requires signed waiver acknowledging residual Machiavelli exposure risk prior to collection. Waiver available from Quartermaster General's burrow office hours Tuesday and Thursday dawn to mid-morning.
LOT R-007: Taqueria La Puerca Espinal - One Month Unlimited Churro Pass
Certificate entitling bearer to unlimited cinnamon churros with chocolate dipping sauce for thirty consecutive days from date of activation. Non-transferable. Must present certificate at counter. Limit three churros per visit because the last hedgehog who interpreted unlimited as a personal challenge required medical intervention and a firm talking-to from the Quartermaster General about the difference between enthusiasm and self-destruction.
Seller: Nexus dba Taqueria La Puerca Espinal
Opening bid: 30 grubs
Last bid: 45 grubs (HedgehogPrincess87, 3 hours ago)
Bid increments: minimum 5 grubs
Closes at: Dusk
Status: Active - five bidders and counting. Churro futures are bullish.
LOT S-002: Wandering Bard's Cricket-Leg Harmonica
The infamous cricket-leg harmonica used by the amnesiac bard known only as Nettle (or possibly not Nettle, nobody knows his real name including himself due to concussive acorn incident previous summer) during his performances outside Taqueria La Puerca Espinal evenings before being ejected by united front of two sows from Burrow Twelve-bis following the territorial dispute slash romantic entanglement fiasco detailed in Hogs After Dark Tale Three. Instrument still plays but only in B-flat which is either a feature or a defect depending on your musical preferences.
Seller: Burrow Twelve-bis (joint consignment, proceeds split evenly)
Opening bid: 8 mealworms
Last bid: NO BIDS YET (instrument is in B-flat and smells faintly of sticky pine)
Bid increments: minimum 2 mealworms
Closes at: Dusk or when someone finally takes pity on it off the auction block whichever comes first
LOT W-004: Camouflage Netting (Slightly Used as Romantic Drapery)
Standard issue Woodlands Warfare Division camouflage netting approximately six square feet. Previously deployed in unauthorized capacity as romantic drapery within Burrow Twelve-bis operational perimeter during the infamous autumn rut territorial dispute contrary to General Orders #7 paragraph nine subclause C concerning misallocation of tactical equipment for personal comfort activities. Netting has been professionally cleaned and deodorized removing all traces of candle wax and sticky pine residue. Fully functional for its intended military purpose despite undignified interim usage history.
Seller: Quartermaster General (confiscated, resale authorized)
Opening bid: 20 acorn caps
Last bid: 25 acorn caps (unidentified sow, 1 hour ago)
Bid increments: minimum 5 acorn caps
Closes at: Dusk
Status: Active - buyer beware: provenance documentation includes full incident report which is simultaneously embarrassing for the original users and entertaining for everyone else.
Closed Auctions
LOT C-009: Falsified Northern Regiment Insignia
The exact set of falsified insignia obtained via HogBay seller (since banned, mercantile privileges revoked permanently) used by the individual who claimed affiliation with the northern regiment last spring at a Burrow Twelve-bis seasonal party before credentials were discovered to be entirely fabricated resulting in ejection and lifetime ban from all Burrow Twelve-bis social events per visiting soldier policy NO EXCEPTIONS.
Seller: Dame Pricklepan (proceeds donated to Woodlands Anti-Fraud Fund)
Final bid: 75 grubs (Thornback Junior) - bidding closed early after realization that auctioning counterfeit insignia regardless of intent might constitute secondary fraud per Quartermaster General advisory opinion issued thirty minutes ago. Item returned to evidence locker pending review.
Seller Verification
All HogBay sellers must be verified by the Quartermaster General. The following vendors are currently in good standing:
- Spikelette - verified vendor since spring 2025. Specialty: sticky pine products. No incidents on record despite persistent rumors which remain unproven and will not be repeated here because we are professional auctioneers not gossip columnists go read Hogs After Dark if you want that kind of content which we do not editorially endorse but also do not actively discourage reading of.
- Nexus Woodlands Warfare Division - verified vendor since founding. Specialty: captured military surplus, taqueria provisions. All military items sold with appropriate waivers and disclosure of residual signal exposure risk.
- Dame Pricklepan - verified vendor since autumn 2025. Specialty: estate items, donated proceeds to charity. Currently under advisory review regarding lot C-009 insignia incident but remains in good standing pending Quartermaster General ruling.
- Burrow Twelve-bis Joint Consignment - verified vendor since winter 2025. Specialty: confiscated romance-adjacent items. Proceeds split evenly between den mates per joint custody agreement filed with Woodlands Housing Authority.
Feedback System
Buyers and sellers may leave feedback on completed transactions. Feedback is public and permanent. The Quartermaster General reserves the right to remove feedback that contains profanity, slander, or run-on sentences exceeding 200 words (yes this is a specific rule because of a specific incident involving a dissatisfied churro pass buyer whose 400-word complaint was so long it crashed the bark-board feedback display requiring three days of repairs).
*****
Purchased the churro pass last month. Worth every grub. Ate three churros per visit for thirty days straight and did not require medical intervention. The key is pacing. Also dipping sauce rationing. Nexus looked concerned on day twenty-two but I assured him I am a professional.
****
Bought the sticky pine reduction Batch 5 back in summer. Quality was excellent. One star deducted because the auction ran forty minutes past dusk due to competitive bidding between two sows and I missed my evening patrol. The Quartermaster General said dusk is a guideline not a deadline but my sergeant disagreed and gave me latrine duty for a week.
Upcoming Lots (Next Auction Cycle)
The following items have been submitted for the next auction cycle pending Quartermaster General verification. No guarantees any will appear on the block. Do not pre-bid. Pre-bidding is not a thing. If you try to pre-bid the Quartermaster General will note your name and make you wait in line like everyone else.
- LOT P-012: Pine Resin Guitar Pick - carved from a 200-year-old east ridge pine knot by Thornback the Elder himself during a long winter. Said to produce warm tone but also to hum faintly when Strumpet broadcasts which is either paranormal or wind through a crack in the wood nobody can agree which.
- LOT B-006: Werefag Containment Briefing Transcript (Redacted) - 6000 word run-on sentence with all classified portions blacked out leaving approximately 400 words of context including three instances of the word urgent and one reference to fern fields that may or may not still be restricted territory per current operational status check with commanding officer before bidding.
- LOT T-015: Taqueria La Puerca Espinal Secret Salsa Recipe - written on bark in Nexus's own claw-writing. Contains exact proportions for the habanero-cicada salsa that made HedgehogPrincess87 cry tears of joy and one human cry tears of regret. Seller reserves right to refuse sale if buyer intends to open competing taqueria within woodland perimeter per WGO #7 subclause K regarding commercial territorial protection.
All sales final. All bids binding. No crying into belly fur.